Nancy Reddy’s “The Good Mother Myth: Unlearning Our Bad Ideas About How to Be a Good Mom” is a fascinating exploration of motherhood. It blends Reddy’s candid experiences with an analysis of 20th-century parenting theories—some of which have left a questionable legacy.
Reddy begins with a disarmingly honest introduction, centering around a period before she became a mother. Borrowing a phrase from psychologist Harry Harlow, she describes this time as “Love Is a Wondrous State.” Interestingly, Harlow, known for his contentious experiments, conducted research at the University of Wisconsin, the same institute where Reddy pursued her graduate studies. This coincidence adds a layer of irony as Reddy scrutinizes his findings.
Harlow’s experiments famously involved infant monkeys who were given a choice between two artificial mothers: a soft one wrapped in cloth and another made of harsh wires. The baby monkeys preferred the cloth version, which Harlow took as evidence that good mothering involves being soft and comforting. Reddy’s personal aspiration was to embody this “cloth mother” ideal, akin to the nurturing figures surrounding her in Madison. Yet, her own child was anything but tranquil, and she found herself immersed in Harlow’s research, eager to learn the secret of being a “good” mother. Ultimately, she unearths how cultural narratives can twist scientific interpretations.
Harlow, alongside John Bowlby (who pioneered “attachment theory”), proposed the then-radical idea that breastfeeding wasn’t crucial for mother-child bonding. However, this theory never gained mainstream acceptance in America’s post-war era. Although magazines disseminated their research, they emphasized the narrative that mothers needed to be perpetually nurturing and available.
The book delves into the broader social implications of these theories. Bowlby, for instance, added “working mother” to a list of children’s risks, ranking it with threats like famine and war, despite post-war advances like state-sponsored daycare enabling women to pursue careers.
Reddy highlights these lapses and the flawed societal pressure to choose between being wholly devoted to children or following other pursuits. She advocates for a shared approach to parenting, reminiscent of cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead’s “alloparenting.”
The book also draws on biologist Jeanne Altmann’s observations of baboon mothers. These animals relied on social networks for support, safeguarding their families and sharing resources. Reddy recalls her own childhood in a shared household with her divorced mother and aunt, a time when communal care led to happiness and stability.
The book is peppered with sharp observations, offering critique with wit and depth. Reddy skillfully addresses how academic discourse has historically skewed towards preconceived notions about motherhood, often ignoring the realities of those conducting the research.
The personal journey threaded through the book is one of seeking connection amid isolation, a loneliness familiar to many new parents. Reddy reflects on how community support buoyed her, highlighting societal structures that made it possible for her to seek help—support that isn’t guaranteed for everyone.
While Reddy’s perspective is rooted in her own experiences—those of a white, middle-class woman—the absence of diverse narratives underscores her point that similar societal pressures affect mothers from varied backgrounds.
The book’s conclusion ties into the COVID-19 pandemic, a time when many felt the walls closing in. Reddy describes reaching a breaking point and compelling her husband to engage more fully in parenting, advocating for this shift after years of imbalance.
Reddy’s insights resonate deeply, urging readers to reconsider entrenched ideas about motherhood and the labor it entails. Her work leaves us questioning the historical and cultural constructs that continue to shape expectations of mothers today.
Emily Van Duyne, an associate professor at Stockton University, offers this review with her expertise and deep appreciation for Reddy’s narrative.
